Trying Hard


Here's the thing. I'm trying really really hard to be a better person. Unfortunately, my attempts to be a good person are often foiled by my love. I'm trying really really hard to not get my hopes up about her. But it's hard. I'm trying to be supportive. I'm having a really hard time though.

Things are weird between us and everything seems fake even though I'm trying really hard. I laugh a lot, and keep up the banter. I'm trying really really hard to stay calm and reasonable and not to lose my temper. None of it is getting across.

I'm trying really hard to break this habit, because it doesn't do her any good and is terrible for me. And I'm trying hard, but one time I just tried to give up and let it go but it was so hard so I'm still crushing on her. I'm trying really really hard. I'm concentrating on my shoes, the logo on some guy's shirt, a billboard advertising English lessons.

And then I'm sad about being such an awful person. And I'm trying really really hard to not go and eat what's left over straight from the bowl.

I'm trying really really hard not to panic, and mostly succeeding. Mostly. If I see a nice doctor this morning, I'll ask them to prod me. Oh, and my safe words are borrowed from traffic light signals.

I'm trying really really hard to just live in the today of my life and yet dream about my tomorrows. I'm actually thinking about my dreams now. No, not really.

I'm trying really really hard to keep it under control today. BECAUSE TOMORROW I'M GOING TO LOOK AT WHEELS! Oops, that slipped.

I'm trying really really hard, but it's no good, it seems impossible. I keep slipping back down. I'm young and sexy and trendy and I'm trying really really hard. It comes off as desperation, which is the most un-sexy.

I guess I have just lost my way and I'm trying hard to find it again! Just not sure if I can. I hope to get at least a B. I'm trying really really hard.

I'm trying really hard. But soy milk in coffee (and I've tried rice milk too) is one of the worst things I've ever tasted. Urgh yuck shudder. I run a news group on conjoined twins and I'm trying really really hard not to.

I'm trying really hard to hold it together today. I'm trying really really hard not to call this EP a fantastic example of the synthtastic-rock New Rave sound that's sweeping the globe.

As it stands now, if all of us were at a party, I'd be the guy who empties the trash cans. For example, I'm trying really really hard to draw, because I feel like my drawings are really awful. I feel so ashamed of them. I showed this picture to Robot Johnny.

This is so weird. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place. I'm trying really really hard here. I'm trying really really hard not to give up but gosh, it should be getting at least a little better, right? What can I do or what should I do?

I'm trying really really hard to not self-mutilate. I can't say it won't happen again.

I'm trying really really hard to read Lord Foul's Bane (book one of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever). I am very suprised at how hard it is for me.

I'm trying really really hard not to let fruits and vegetables rot. And I really care. Somebody hug me.

I'm trying really really hard as I ski through the village of Davos, Switzerland to offer some quality coaching to a few US athletes. And I'm trying really really hard not to buy the new Ben & Jerry's "Chocolate Therapy."

In other news, I'm trying really really hard to avoid Robin Hood.

I'm trying really really hard to eliminate the F-Bomb from my everyday speech.

I'm trying really really hard not to have this turn into yet another blog obsessed with Japanese anime.

I'm trying really really hard not to use the word "ambience" here, but I'm struggling. Look, I'm trying really really hard to smile.

And yeah, I've pretty much done the academic suicide every year, and now I'm screwed, but I'm trying really really hard not to do it again this year.

I'm trying really really hard to not get discouraged. I'm trying really hard not to spill on myself. I'm trying not to slobber all over my screen. I'm trying to love this lens but I think I can only like it a lot. It's a great looking lens. Comes with a petal hood.

I'm sorry, alright? I'm trying really really hard to keep it together, stay positive and so on, but it ain't working. I'm trying really really hard at this, people. I am bundling up the baby and going to the coffee shop.

I'm trying really really hard not to go crazy tonight! Shut up stupid brain! I'm trying really hard to focus on not personalizing stuff. It's difficult to do.

I'm trying really really hard to not participate in stash enhancement and not to buy knitting books. It's not working well.

I'm trying really really hard to imagine a world in which someone could not have any idea about the history of blackface.

I'm trying really hard to think up a "get stoned in college" joke, but it's just not happening. I'm trying really really hard not to use the phrase "get something off my chest" right now. The thing is, I am a large-breasted woman.

Man, I'm trying really hard not to say what I really want to say right now. Oh I'm trying. I know I'm being tested and I'm trying not to freak out but if you seem to remember me behaving at all strangely toward you, it's because I'm trying really really hard to implant myself into your jerkoff fantasies.

My new thing is "no solid plans except Jesus." See, the thing is I'm a planner. I'm trying really really hard. Must it be a tug of war? Forgive me. I feel terrible.

I'm trying really really hard to stay off the J.Crew website but it's just calling me to come browse.

I'm trying hard to play it cool. I'm trying really really hard. I was wearing this prisoner face, so deep inside she had to know I'm feeling lost. I'm trying really hard to not even bother writing about this.

Seriously, enough of Anne, and on to her minions (not minyans). It's not their fault they are freaky little bloodsucking monsters.

I'm trying really really hard to see these guys as equals with different needs, sending water shooting in a huge stream onto my neighbor's car, and I'm trying really hard not to get angry, but I need a goofy song. I'm trying to believe that these are just isolated nutjobs who don't represent the Democratic party base. I really am. But that's my opinion, and it's really up to her, so I'm trying really really hard to shut up and not say anything. It's awfully nice here, though.

Okay here's another comment where I'm trying really really hard to be flattering: she has a really high forehead. Make of that what you wish.

I've got a new haircut. And boy, it rocks big time [slideshow of me with longer hair].

I'm trying really really hard to just think happy thoughts. There is a Full RSS feed. So, I'm trying really really hard to control myself. It is pretty difficult, but I'm trying. Really really hard.

Hold up, I'm trying really really hard to think of anything I would buy on Shore Drive, north of Northhampton Blvd. I'm Pakistani, so I wasn't taught the right way.

I'm trying really really hard to come up with a decision Bush has made that has benefitted America. Either that or I'm trying really really hard to get fired.

Anyway, right now I'm trying really hard to forget about her since I won't be seeing her anymore. I've graduated from high school. I am exhausted at the end of the day from all of our playing.

I'm trying really hard not to scream. I'm trying really really hard not to talk about my laptop. OK, I failed.

I can picture the socks in my head, and imagine myself wearing them. I'm trying really hard not to freak out, but it's not working so well. I told her I would accept her answers and I'm trying really really hard. God! I'm really trying! Do you think I'm merely suppressing things?

I'm trying really really hard not to smile. But I'm imagining a suburban family being terrorized by roving bands of wealthy Quakers.

I'm trying really hard to decrease my carbon footprint. I'm trying hard to get over myself. I'm trying really really hard not to type in ALL CAPS.

Today I'm trying really really hard not to strangle people. I'm beyond fed up. I want something to look forward to for the rest of the week!

So that's why, smartie-pants, we have our laundry situation. I'm trying really really hard not to make any shake and bake jokes. I'm trying really hard to like daylilies, but it just hasn't happened for me yet. I might posssiblyyy go to Australia!

You know I have to really bite my e-tongue about this woman who thinks that autism is a contractable disease. Ahem. I'm trying really really hard, but now more than ever I feel as if I'm sending her off to seek her fortune with all her worldly goods done up.

I'm a bit of an emotional coward, but I'm trying really really hard not to be. And the very act of trying to accomplish this is something I'm proud of. I'm trying really hard to be in the moment. It's almost impossible. It's like our brains aren't designed for it. Hey, maybe that's even true.

I'm trying really really hard to care. More Miss USA contestant kissing, fellatio. Good stuff. But, whatever.

I'm trying really really hard to avoid saying, "you don't know until you experience it," but at the end of the day, that's all I can say. Don't doubt my venom on this score, I'm going to come back to that.

Why do some people gain weight during Ramadan? There are apparently complimentary Danishes. Mmm.

I'm trying really hard to live in the present. I'm trying really really hard not to giggle out loud. My neighbors think I'm strange enough as it is.

I'm trying really really hard but smiling is just simply impossible now.

I'm trying really really hard to come up with an analogy that avoids a "deck chairs on the Titanic" feel, but it's one of those things that's tough to do. Look, I'm trying really hard not to think this analogy through to its logical conclusion.

When snow is predicted down here (here being Philadelphia), there is a rush to the grocery store for milk.

I'm not making that much eye contact but I'm trying really REALLY hard to drive this motherfucker home. Just know that if I'm looking you in the eye, it means I'm trying really really hard to do so. What's new, pussycat, whooaa whoaa whoaa!

I'm trying really really hard to think of a recent film that has scenes that "glamorize" smoking. Okay, so I'm trying really really hard not to freak out. In a good way.

I have a box of laxatives here but I'm trying really really hard to ignore them. We'll see.

Well, it is happening ... again. and I'm trying really really hard to not be like that again. Arghh.... Wish that thing of mine goes away ... it's not healthy.

I want to get better, I'm trying really really hard. I feel alone, stupid and constantly sad. I feel like such a burden to my partner and my friends. Naturally, I'm trying really really hard to contain these impulses. I'm going to bed very shortly. In my own bed! I'm trying really hard to look beyond the pain of what we aren't experiencing because otherwise this life would quickly become hopeless.

I'm very single again. With a certificate of authenticity. I'm trying really really hard not to be snarky and sarcastic about this. I'm trying not to be all jealous and ugly. How did I do?

Lord knows I'm trying really really hard to "enjoy my singleness" but it's just not working. Maybe I could enjoy it if I didn't have the desire NOT TO BE.

I'm trying really really hard to stay strong. To keep pushing myself to keep my head above water. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. And I'm trying really really hard to be a hell of a lot more grateful for what I have. I'm serious. But fuck. I didn't even do anything visibly wrong.

I'm trying really hard to avoid death. Darwin sounds like Darth.

I'm trying really really hard not to scare you. How did I do?

I'm trying really hard for her to cuckold me. She has admitted during sex when she is really turned on that she thinks of having more than one guy. Which is THE LAST goddam thing I'd want when I'm trying really really hard to see Scarlett Johansson's titties.

So I'm trying really really hard to hold back the tears but all the self loathing and embarrassment have taken over. I go to the bathroom and lock myself in.

So in conclusion I have found the love of my life and I'm trying really hard not to fuck that up. And sometimes I just wish that instead of being reminded of the one thing I did wrong, someone would acknowledge what I'm trying really really hard to do. Well, I guess this is all I can think of now. Glad you had an "interesting" time. I'll post again sometime when I have more to say.

Almost none of my favorite childhood memories involve my parents hovering.

3 comments:

Meg said...

Wow...now that is one hell of a read K Silem Moe. Needs perhaps a few snips but overall, I'd say that is truly a piece of wonder.

Well done.

And, the reason people gain weight in Ramadan is usually because they are cheating AND eating the breakfast.

Salaams

Calder said...

Pretty intense read, enjoyable and definitely makes one ponder.

Smiles!
Calder

Providence said...

A perfect example of flarfist fort-da, gorgeously anal, punishing and precisely indeterminate. I couldn't scroll it down!